


Play pretend

by Valkrist (Anouk_Tyrell)



Series: Peaky Blinders Rare Pair Bingo 2020 [13]
Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, First Kiss, Insecurity, M/M, Tenderness, just let them be happy alright, moments of braveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-22
Updated: 2020-08-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:02:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26049235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anouk_Tyrell/pseuds/Valkrist
Summary: It shouldn’t feel this way, should it?He shouldn’t be that afraid, feel more comfortable. Enjoy all the moments, blossom and feel all this happiness, but he didn’t. Why was he sad? Why didn’t he experience the same things others were talking about?
Relationships: Tommy Shelby/Barney Thompson
Series: Peaky Blinders Rare Pair Bingo 2020 [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1837063
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2
Collections: Peaky Blinders Rare Pair Bingo 2020





	Play pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my friends!
> 
> New day, new bingo work. This time "courting/dating".  
> So this is a sequel to the anonymous sex fic ... back then I wanted to have this kinda half open ending ... but then I saw your comments and it made me wanna write this here and basically make a series out of my T/B ideas. So yeah, thank you for encouraging me to write more stuff with them, you‘re amazing <3
> 
> And now enjoy!

It shouldn’t feel this way, should it?

He shouldn’t be that afraid, feel more comfortable. Enjoy all the moments, blossom and feel all this happiness, but he didn’t. Why was he sad? Why didn’t he experience the same things others were talking about?

Barney could remember it all, lovely stories and photos. Would’ve said that they weren’t realistic, but there’s always a grain of truth in everything, isn’t there? Even in this oh so perfect couples who seem to be happy all the time and regularly post their romantic photos, letting everybody know about it. Barney didn’t even want something like this, but oh, they all seemed to live so untroubled.

The whole thing was a miracle. Hadn’t even dared thinking about seeing Tommy again, especially not that unexpected, not in such a casual situation, but there he had been, taking the same bus. Barney could still remember what he had read: _Huis clos,_ no exit, one of Sartre’s plays. One probably had to be in love with theater, French or both to choose something of that kind. Little did he know that Tommy belonged to the last category, too. That he wouldn’t ignore him and be as surprised as he was.

It had been awkward first seconds, all this people around them, so they hadn’t talked that much. Realized that it would be easier to talk about it another time when they weren’t in a hurry, simply exchanging numbers. Barney had trembled while descending the bus, still not being able to believe in this absurdity. It was all too crazy, to insane, simply couldn’t happen this way, could it? Not after he had been so horrible, having been rejected and having done the same to other people. It had to be about equality, mutual feelings and matching lives, eh?

But Tommy had called him, probably realizing that Barney was too afraid to do it. Had typed in the number several times before deleting it again, not daring to press the button. Lovely things like this couldn’t simply fall into his lap without a terrible price to pay. Tommy surely didn’t know what he was going to sign up to. He could even be a back-stabber, who was to say that.

But deep inside Barney knew that it wasn’t only about this insecurities, not at all. He wouldn’t have wanted to admit that he had no clue. That the last time he had dated someone felt like centuries ago. Was easier without it, indirectly praising his single life and knowing that he could wait. Didn’t need to hurry like the others, wouldn’t even be mad if he never got to that point. There were reasons why he enjoyed all the non-binding things, the freedom he had thanks to them. Meant that he didn’t know what to do when it suddenly wasn’t that detached, though. Maybe he hadn’t forgotten how to kiss, how to pleasure and fuck, but all the other emotions? Buying flowers, telling other people and doing all this couple activities? All made up from memories, random advice on the internet and fantasies about what might feel nice. Nothing he would stake his life on.

Did Tommy really like his ideas? He couldn’t possibly be that lovely, could he? Couldn’t enjoy this simple meetings without sex after what they had had. Couldn’t prize this things above the feeling of their bodies against each other and all little tricks Barney used to impress other people. Was already unbelievable enough that they went so well together, both being some weird French freaks. The exact opposite of most people Barney had spend his time at school with.

The evening at the bar had been wonderful. Tommy had embraced the idea of a craft brew tasting, basically making Barney laugh the whole time with some stupid jokes and showing that he had a high tolerance for alcohol. Apparently still had a preference for Irish whiskey on top of that, a fact that made him look even lovelier.

They talked a lot. Tommy was good with numbers, but the creative things were what he truly loved. Had committed himself to his hobby drama group, always looking for some new things to try. And the way he talked about French books and some music albums Barney had never heard of before … well, it spoke for him.

Tommy really seemed to be serious about taking it slow. This _power out_ evening with all the candles had been amazing even without touches, even if it had been tempting. In any other situation Barney would’ve been a little bit jealous, seeing that he wouldn’t win a who-can-learn-basic-guitar-chords-first game, but Tommy’s smile in the candlelight looked so adorable that he couldn’t blame him. Couldn’t be angry at this man who seemed to lose himself in the tunes, taking Barney with him. It had been lovely, some drinks and talks, enjoying the calm atmosphere that came with the darkness. The same darkness that had brought them together…

Actually Barney could blame it on the internet. On Tommy’s and his lack of creativity, neither wanting to do the same things over and over again nor being able to come up with something new on their own. How on earth could something like this happen to people like them who would actually burst with ideas at any other moment? It had to be all the issues, simply had to be. Useless panic overcoming him, what a horrible thought.

Barney hadn’t thought that seeing a play would be that nice with Tommy. Surely their most normal … _date_ \- oh god, this word still felt so weird, so unfamiliar. But this is how it is called, isn’t it? They had never labeled this, but somehow it didn’t seem to be a simple friendship, not when Barney still had this feelings confusing him. Had been the first time he had dared interlocking their fingers, the sight of Tommy’s hand on the armrest too inviting. Another moment of braveness, truth or dare being nothing compared to this. Couldn’t have been a bad move if Tommy didn’t withdraw his hand, occasionally caressing the back of Barney’s hand with his thumb.

Somehow this theater visits had become a thing. Going there, discussing the play afterwards, going back home taking the way around the park. Sometimes they would end up at the same house when it would get late - preferably at Tommy’s - but for now they were just sitting there in the dark, enjoying the moment. There truly was something about the reflections on the lake water while sharing a cigarette, earphones to listen to each other’s favorite songs.

It was weird, knowing that he had opened up. That Tommy knew his name and they had stayed in touch, watching plays now instead of making their lives to some of them. It was frightening to realize that somehow it was even better than making up all the facts and play pretend just for fun, that he didn’t really want it to end soon. That he didn’t regret letting Tommy into his own life, that he actually enjoyed leaning on him while listening to _Mirror_ by _Loïc Nottet,_ if Tommy’s phone was to be believed. Interesting, such a contrast to the tracks Barney had chosen when it had been his turn. Hadn’t wanted to come out with the whole _Music From Before The Storm_ and to ruin the mood, but then he realized that it wouldn’t have happened. There was no way it would have happened, even if the bunch of mostly instrumentals with the _Burn It Down_ lyrics as the cherry on top could break his heart every time, over and over again.

_This mirror’s no illusion_ _  
_ _Reflecting our demons_  
_Time’s come to break the glass, and now it’s smashed_ _  
_ _They’ll stop talking through the mirror_

As if it were that easy.

Barney wondered if it was, at least for Tommy. Did such songs help him? Had he found out how to fight the demons, how to live more freely? If yes, would he be able to tell him how to do this too? Maybe he was simply stronger or had less problems, who was to say.

He was so lost in thoughts that he didn’t notice Tommy’s apprehensive look as he gave the cigarette back to him, only seeing the cigarette glow and freckles on his face. Didn’t realize that the two of them not talking wasn’t quite comforting when he looked sad, unconsciously starting to tremble. Barney only came back to reality when he felt Tommy tapping his shoulder, getting his attention to wrap his coat around him.

Barney didn’t even know how to thank him for it, snuggling up in the warm fabric that seemed to be soaked with the light and now surprisingly familiar cranberry scent. Somehow it was soothing, their hands shyly interlaced, warmth radiating from Tommy, his hand on his shoulder. If this peaks were so comforting that he never wanted them to end, how bad would the troughs be? There had to be a balance, after all…

Tommy simply moved closer, cigarette still in his hand, probably one reason why he could still keep calm. He knew his could be horrible with people, not really knowing how to help and therefore worsening everything, but oh god, he just wanted Barney to smile again. Smile the same way he had when he had gotten the tickets for the performance, when he had finally managed to play this one particular chord, when he had realized that they loved the same French books.

It wouldn’t be easy, of course. Barney would need his time to open up completely if it worked at all. Tommy didn’t know that much about them, people who could suddenly have panic attacks and be too afraid to talk about some problems, but he was willing to learn. Willing to figure out how to make it work if Barney wanted to give it a try, too. Even if they both might have had their different issues, it didn’t have to mean that it was impossible.

Tommy wanted to say so many things - _don’t be afraid, you’re amazing, I could never hate your creative ideas, no matter how weird they may seem to other people_ \- but then he settled for something else, carefully taking the earphones away to have Barney’s full attention.

“I love you.“

He nearly seemed shy as he looked at Barney, finally having whispered one of this sentences that could change so much. Probably the most stupid way of letting him know, especially that straightforward … especially when he didn’t know if it would make him happy or panic even more.But now he couldn’t back-paddle anymore and had to go all in, didn’t he?

Barney felt the other man’s hands on his upper arms, slowly stroking them to comfort him before leaning closer. Surprisingly decent and slow, tilting his face down towards him until his lips were brushing his cheek, his breaths tickling the skin. Barney could feel his own heart race, suddenly being wide awake despite his previous weariness. It wasn’t what he had expected. Not even one of this panic attacks that were kind of explicable. Horrible, but at least explicable, fitting into schemes.

It was pure reflex to cup Tommy’s cheek, suddenly realizing that he was playing with time. Tommy would think that he had made a mistake if he didn’t do something, wouldn’t he? Barney didn’t want him to break away from him, just wanted to be able to dare doing something again, maybe even have something functioning for once.

He took a deep breath, slightly opening his mouth before turning to Tommy, moving in slowly and locking their lips. Barney gasped. Tommy’s lips were beautifully soft and pliant, the calloused hand that had moved up to his neck being a beautiful, raw contrast. He closed his eyes at all the sensations Tommy gave him by kissing him back. Could still feel his heart pounding like mad, nearly too much to bear. Oh, what a pair of lips could do to him … what someone else could do to him…

So this was the truth, the reality behind his fantasies. This was how it would have felt like if he hadn’t insisted on his rules back then, placing a hand on Tommy’s upper thigh and moving in, giving things the chance to fall back into place. They could’ve spent the whole night together, cuddling, kissing, maybe having sex another time before preparing a lovely breakfast and talking, getting to know each other. But there’s no sense in dwelling on missed opportunities, is there?

Barney couldn’t help sneaking in another little kiss before pulling away a little bit, bright smile on his lips. As he opened his eyes he saw that Tommy did the same, sending shivers down his spine. His hand still on the other’s cheek, Tommy’s caressing the nape of his neck. Looked so affectionate that Barney wanted to kiss him again - every freckle, the sharp jaw and cheekbones, this lovely eyes with the thick eyelashes - letting his fingers wander through the soft, dark curls and becoming part of something.

Maybe there were still some lovely moments waiting for him … for _them_ …

**Author's Note:**

> What do you think about this here? Are you also familiar with similar problems and manage to have this moments of braveness sometimes? <3 let me know in the comments if you want to  
> (Seriously, I was looking forward to writing this kiss for such a long time now ... and now I finally made it not only as a drabble hooray :D hope you like it)
> 
> My Tumblr is @valkrist, let‘s be friends and talk about stuff :)


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